We’ve all heard a brokenhearted friend say “I can’t move on because my ex won’t give me closure “. Maybe we’ve even said it ourselves.

Let’s be honest, if we dig deep we’ll see that we’re not really looking for closure but an 11th hour attempt at saving the relationship. Subconsciously, it’s a camouflaged effort to get your ex to understand that he/she is crazy to let you go. It’s one more change to show them that your love is simply too real to throw away.

If not to save the relationship, you imagine that you’ll at least have all of your burning questions answered so you can start the long journey to healing your broken heart.

You recite everything you’re going to say and imagine that you’ll have this deep conversation where you’re completely in control of your emotions. You imagine that your ex will professes deep feelings for you despite the relationship being over and that the conversation will end with hugs and resolutions.

This is never the reality.

In fact, these talks often end up being more of a disaster than the initial break up conversation. Sadly, you’ll often end up with at least one of these results:

1) You’ll end up plunging deeper into depression

You may not want to hear what your ex has to say and you’ll walk away from the conversation having hit the ‘reset’ button on your pain. You may discover new and hurtful details you never saw coming.

2) You may walk away with even more questions

You’ll likely get vague responses like “I don’t know”, “it just didn’t feel right” and more ambiguous answers that will leave you knowing less than you did when you started this closure talk.

Guess what happens next? You’ll feel compelled to call your ex to answer all these new questions you’ve developed as a result of that  uneventful talk.

It then becomes a cycle.

3) You give up the power to take control of your own emotions

If your ex delays talking to you or fills your mind with more ambiguous answers, you’re essentially putting the power in their hands. You’re creating a state of mind where you truly believe that only they can give you the chance to mend your broken heart. You’ll put yourself in a state of limbo waiting for them to give you the closure you think you need.

4) You could end up feeling more rejected

Not everyone has an ability to talk in detail after a breakup. Some people need to digest what happened, which could take months, years or they may never even get there. Pushing your ex to talk to you will lead to more heartbreak as they try their best to run further and faster away from you and your incessant questions.

 5) You won’t get an admission of guilt or confirmation of their feelings

Even if you don’t go into the conversation with this goal, you’ll find yourself looking for validation or an admission of guilt. People are often defensive after a break up. The last thing they will do is admit to faults or admit to hurting you. Their defensiveness and your determination to get he response you want will lead to more fighting — exactly what you didn’t want from this talk that supposed to give you closure.

So how do you move on after a break up?

Nobody has the power to give you closure; find your own closure.

You don’t need validation of your ex’s feelings for you, you don’t need their friendship  and you don’t need forced apologies or answers to your questions. If you were going to get answers, you would have gotten them in the relationship.

Look within!

Only you can help yourself. Take your time sorting through all the emotional crap the relationship left behind. When you take the time to truly think through what went wrong, where your responsibilities were and where they weren’t, that break up may honestly lead you to learn more about yourself and what you want.

Most of all, learn to be okay with the fact that all of your questions will simply not be answered.

This is true closure.

Have you ever tried to get closure and ended up with quite the opposite?

Like what you read? Subscribe to get weekly updates directly in your inbox!


Single Women – The New Victims of Workplace Discrimination

Single Woman - The New Victims of Workplace Discrimination

I read this article with so much focus, I completely forget about the full-bodies shiraz I’d been anticipating all week beside me. Marie Claire has shed light on a passionate issue for most single women – carrying more of the burden in the workplace when compared to their married co-workers. This article really speaks to […]

Read the full article →

Bridesmaids – The Cost of Saying Yes

Thumbnail image for Bridesmaids – The Cost of Saying Yes

Wedding season is about to start. I understand all the excitement, a wedding is one of the most important days of a woman’s life. A day when she wants everything to be perfect – perfect wedding dress, perfect venue, perfect pictures… you get the point. Ever notice how elaborate weddings have become these days? I was in […]

Read the full article →

“I’m Sorry You Got Upset” and Other Non-Apologies

Thumbnail image for “I’m Sorry You Got Upset” and Other Non-Apologies

“I’m sorry” – one of the hardest things to say. Who likes admitting fault?  We’re people and we make mistakes, so we’re bound to hurt each other from time to time. Like most women, I need an apology in order to bounce back quickly from a sticky situation. I pride myself on being forgiving, but I […]

Read the full article →

One Dating Rule Women Should Use With Caution

Thumbnail image for One Dating Rule Women Should Use With Caution

We’re bombarded with dating rules – don’t accept calls after a certain time, don’t accept a date for Saturday on Friday, never see him more than twice a week… and the list goes on. As women, everything we’ve learned about dating says that we have to play hard to get and let a man chase […]

Read the full article →

Emotional Affairs – Are They Worse Than Physical Affairs?

Thumbnail image for Emotional Affairs – Are They Worse Than Physical Affairs?

I have a tendency to accidentally dial people’s numbers while my phone is in my purse. I’ve left countless voicemails for friends with sounds of me walking and having conversations with the cashiers at the supermarket. So I started locking my phone with a passcode. In my relationship, I make sure that my boyfriend sees my […]

Read the full article →

Women Who Carry Condoms – Tacky or Smart?

Thumbnail image for Women Who Carry Condoms – Tacky or Smart?

It only seems logical that both women and men would be prepared for that oh-so-awkward, but necessary, ‘condom moment’ these days doesn’t it? That’s why it just blows my mind that there are actually people who think that a woman who carries condoms is slutty or tacky… and what’s worse, they proudly discuss this ancient […]

Read the full article →

The Right and Wrong Way To Move In Together

Thumbnail image for The Right and Wrong Way To Move In Together

As I mentioned before, I live with a guy. It was the one thing I always said I’d never, ever do. I was raised hearing people say things like “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”. So why did I do it you ask? My boyfriend and I didn’t actually […]

Read the full article →

12 Things I Learned From Living With A Guy

Thumbnail image for 12 Things I Learned From Living With A Guy

I met a high school friend for dinner a few nights ago. We reconnected through the magic of Facebook and it was interesting to see how different our lives have turned out. She used to gag at the thought of being married with kids. Guess who now has two beautiful kids and a wonderful husband?  […]

Read the full article →

How To Survive a Breakup with Class

Thumbnail image for How To Survive a Breakup with Class

Break ups suck! Everyone knows this… Other than the fact that the ending of a relationship is incredibly hard, especially if you’re the one being dumped, what sucks about break ups is the way we handle them. How many people do we know who just crumble? I mean, seriously crumble. They sit on their favorite […]

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Read the full article →